Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018