who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Stick it to the man
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Love is always patient and kind.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”