My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
rise and shine we got egg
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I beg your pardon?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.