I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.