We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Boom, boom, ching!
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club