“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.