If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*