Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
no their not
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Hero horse inspires millions
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones