I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
You Might Also Like
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.