i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Oh the world we live in…
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’