Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
a public service announcement
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house