Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
called in thicc to work this morning
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.