Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
how it started vs how it ended
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*