When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*