Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE