I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
🦝🔥🦝🔥
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.