Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime