I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Erm I’m gonna say no
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ok this is my dumbest yet
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️