You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine