I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
fair
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
got so much cardio in today
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.