I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides