Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.