How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola