Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Best seat on the street 😍
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Chemical wingman
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
This guy’s not having it 😆
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.