*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You Might Also Like
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Not my job 😂
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Ah yes. The three genders
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!