Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
The Friday File.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Need this in my life lol
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?