please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.