A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms