Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator