“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Warm pools make me nervous.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.