Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous