Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
This is amazing.