My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
a god among men
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Looking at you, Jesus.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.