Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Never let them know your next move 😂
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house