I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.