“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.