A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me