Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Ha
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.