Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
This January has 47 Mondays
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
That’s not how days work.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Anime is real
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.