We avoided this particular disaster
You Might Also Like
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
How to properly lift a body
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs