Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.