Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
This made me chuckle.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
A choir of Spring onions
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.