[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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This was my dad’s browser history.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Every time my phone rings
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them