You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
R.I.P.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.