Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Last-minute gift idea!