My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
when revenge coincides with naptime