Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally