Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes