Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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*puts words between two asterisks*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.