Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.